


So this asshole walks into a bar...

by IHeartSnuffles



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Dave kinda freezes up, Fluff, John totally saves the day, Like crude really bad pickup lines, M/M, Minor panic attack, Slurs, Slut Shaming, implied alcohol, nameless asshole OC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 08:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3930403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHeartSnuffles/pseuds/IHeartSnuffles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Person A is getting hit on mercilessly at a bar and Person B swooces right in just before anything bad happens</p>
<p>Poor Dave, being designated driver sucks sometimes but this time takes the cake.<br/>This dude did NOT understand that you were not in the mood for him to get in your pants. Jesus fucking dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So this asshole walks into a bar...

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know if I missed any tags, the asshole OC does do some really crude and implies dangerous behavior at one point, so heads up hons. Otherwise this is really fluffy and funny (I looked up a whole site based on shitty pickup lines oh my god)

“So what’s a cute guy like you doin in a dive like this?”

 

“Those are some nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?”

 

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but you’re the only one I’d like to catch and mount back at my place.”

 

“C’mon babe smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with those pretty lips of yours.”

 

You feel his stink ass breath on your ear and you swallow a shudder down, reaching for your water glass and trying to keep your eyes off the sweaty drunk asshole trying to get your number. And your dick. God why the fuck did Rose and Jade insist on dragging you here, Roxy was who knows where and Jake and Dirk had gone off to hack the soundboard a while ago. Which left you stranded at the bar in a very loud and crowded gay bar while you eagerly waited for your friends to show back up and rescue you with their tipsy bravado.

 

“What’s wrong good lookin? Feelin down ‘cuz your friends left ya?” Oh fuck he still can’t get the hint that you were not fuckin dealing with this tonight. Nope. You turn away and sip your drink, hearing him chuckle in a weird way that made you wanna spit your water into his smug face.

 

“If you’re feelin down, I can feel you up y’know…” His hand suddenly is placed firmly on your thigh and you smack it away with a tightly controlled poker face, grateful for your shades or he’d probably be screaming bloody murder from your glare.

 

“No. Thanks. I’m the designated driver, so if you could leave before your stupidity infects me, that would be fuckin’ great.” You bite back a few more choice words and he blinks at you, the drink in his hand going on the bar as he gets closer and you feel your stomach drop out when he grabs your wrists much faster than a regular drunk guy really could. Shit this guy was just playing the drunk.

 

“You are so fucking selfish, you’re gonna have that smokin body till who knows when and give it to a bunch of other guys like a whore, and I just want it for one night. C’mon babe, you know you want it…” Shit his grip was tight, and you could tell your wrists were gonna bruise judging by the pain. You nervously glance around, you seem to be the only one at this end of the bar and your friends are nowhere to be found. Oh fuck why aren’t you kicking this guy’s ass why the fuck are your legs frozen and your throat is almost closed from nerves why haven’t you MOVED YET.

 

“Come back to my place, you got a pretty mouth there, I wanna see what it can do-“

 

“DAVE! HEY!”

 

You feel the constricting feeling in your lungs immediately deflate as you hear your best friend’s loud call to you from a few feet away, the guy holding you against the bar relaxing his grip just enough for you to jerk away and push him back.

 

“Sup John.” You weakly smile, the guy looking suspiciously at your best bro. The douchenugget who was breathing down your neck a moment ago now is a respectable distance from your person, and you almost smirk from how the guy is sizing John up. Carpentry and comedy worked well for him, his muscles are toned as hell and on display in his blue tank top, not to mention he could give you and Dirk a run for your money in a strife with how fast he is on his feet. Fucker’s got no chance in hell, especially since John’s got that scheming look in his vibrant blue eyes.

 

“Glad to see you’re our designated driver, Karkat dropped me off and I call shotgun with you. Only appropriate, since I’m your boyfriend y’know. Is this a friend of yours?” John winks, throwing his arm around your shoulders and kissing you square on the lips. Your eyes widened behind your shades and you faintly kiss him back, going along with it for the moment. His lips were pretty soft and warm, a slight hint of alcohol there but it was so faint you could barely taste it. So this is what he’d been planning, the smooth fucker. If it hadn’t been a goal and dream of yours to kiss this dork you’d probably have shoved him away by now, but nah savor the moment before you lose it.

 

The guy splutters with a loud “fuckin” before he scrambles away like a floundering fish. John pulls back and gives the retreating guy a smirk, letting his arm fall once he's out of sight and his lips drop to a small frown as he turns to face you.

 

“Hey, sorry about that, I saw he was grabbing you and you looked terrified, I didn’t want him to hurt you… Just wanted the guy to think you weren’t open to attack y’know? Sorry if I uh, overstepped my boundaries or made you uncomfortable… Yeah. I’m gonna go dance now.” John rambles and steps away, his face red and his eyes avoiding your face.

 

“Nah man it was perfect, thanks for saving my ass. He was a couple steps from robbing me of my sweet innocence actually, so you really saved me there. I mean I could have taken him but something just…” You trail off and push your shades up just in case, your shoulders raising nervously as you look over at your cup. Out the corner of your eye you see John glance back up at your face and he smiles, holding out his hand to you.

 

“Hey, wanna dance? This is a club y’know, and if you’re with me you’ll be safe.”

 

You take a moment to weigh out your options, looking over John’s shoulder to see Jade and Rose suddenly appear out of the crowd with big grins and thumbs up. Jade mouths the words “he really like likes you just saying” and Rose nods sagely with a finger pointed right at John. You smirk, downing your water glass before you stand up straight and take your best friend’s hand.

 

“Well I am your boyfriend after all, who am I to deny my significant other a dance with the one and only Dave Strider?” You can’t hide the grin that’s on your lips and John laughs, surprisingly pecking your cheek before leading you to the crowd of people and music. Maybe this could be the chance you’ve been hoping for with this nerd.

 

~~

 

It totally was, John stayed over that night at your apartment and the next day. Those kisses became way more frequent, jesus dick living the dream here.


End file.
